On Thursday i was best man at a good pals wedding. It was a stressful day but thoroughly enjoyable. 

I had to make a speech, bear the rings and get the groom there on time. Only problem was i forgot the Scottish open was on at Loch Lomond, and guess where the wedding was???  It was at a hotel up Loch Lomond! The traffic on the way to the wedding was quite bad.

I was like Hugh Grant at the start of four weddings and a funeral saying “fuck!” about 50 times.

Fortunately we made it on time and it was a great day.

Ive nothing to post about, except that i got bit by a dog yesterday, im a best man on thursday and im going to t in the park on friday.

Cant think of a fucking thing to say! So would anyone like to fire up some random banter about anything at all?

Fire something at me and il banter with you! go for it!

Look at this cheating bastard!

I remember the last time Scotland played Uruguay in the world cup, 2o odd years ago.

Scotland needed a win to progress from the group and Uruguay only needed a draw. Sergio Batista brutally hacked Gordon Strachan in the first minute and quite rightly got sent off. Its still the fastest ever sending off in a world cup!

For the remaining 89 minutes Uruguay played for a draw using every dirty trick in the book. The time wasting was fucking ridiculous and when Scotland were knocked out it was the first time in my young life that i felt the true harshness of the world.  It was the first time i felt real hatred! It was the first time i realised that to get ahead in life you have to be a totally ruthless bastard.

I genuinely feel that Uruguay made me what i am today, and seeing that i had a tenner on them to progress last night, i fucking applauded their victory.

Its seven days away troops! Has anyone got a ticket? And does anyone have any crazy T in the Park stories?  Post a comment everyone!

Does anyone have any funny stories?  I mean things that have happened to you, or happened to someone else when you’ve been there.

Here is something i witnessed when i was 17.

My friends and i hung around Balloch Park in the summer when we were teens. One friday night my friend Derek got lucky, and charmed the knickers off a young lady behind a big tree in the middle of the park. We could see his bare bum moving up and down in the distance and one of the other lads took his belt off, ran up behind Derek, and smacked his bum as hard as possible whilst he was doing the dirty deed.

The young lady called a halt to the proceedings and poor Derek was left unsatisfied. 

Now thats what i call a belter hahahhaha!

Can any of you share some good stories? Lets fire up some banter people

Ive hardly seen it this year. Im not a big fan but i like Andy Murray. He’s my favourite sports person and his story is inspirational. The wee laddie was in Dunblane primary school on the day of the massacre. To bounce back and become a sporting legend must require the steeliest determination imaginable.

I hear he is playing well, has anyone been watching on the telly? What are his chances this year?

I went down to see him last year, here is a wee clip ive shown before but well worth a 2nd glance

I havn’t watched the news since the world cup started. Not a single bulletin or even the 10 minute Scottish news at the end of the English news.

Ive noticed a real lift in my mood! It could be the excitement of the world cup coupled with the nice June weather, but i really think it is the lack of shitey news that has made the difference.

Theres so much doom and gloom out there. There was the guys in Orkney who killed a man and buried him in a sandune, then there was the other guys who killed a woman and dumped her body at sea. Then there was the mad guy who shot 12 folk in Cumbria, and then there is Peter Tobin, the worst of them all and he’s never off the news.

Why do people want to hear about bad things? Is it good to know whats going on, or is ignorance bliss?

Is Scotland really the good country that we think it is or is it actually one of the most dangerous places in the western world?

If your not playing the world cup dreamteam then your not getting the most out of this world cup. Its a fucking brilliant game that makes you feel involved in the tournament even if your country has been knocked out.

Im doing quite well at it, im in the top 15% out of 866,000 players! Here are my tips to make a world class manager out of you!

1/ Pick cheap players: You have a budget of 145 million dollars and to get the players you would like you have to buy a few cheap unknowns, only 11 of your 23 man squad can score points each round so buying a cheap nobody like R. Chol Myong enabled me to buy Lionel Messi.

2/ Rotate the squad: Gamble like fuck! If a player scores less than five points drop him for one of your subs, you can do this DURING THE ROUND! Alot of people didn’t know this and have lost big points by failing to rotate.

3/ Dont pay for transfers: Your allowed 1 free transfer per round, any more than that will cost you 3 points which is a waste of points. Pick a squad that you think will go the distance and only transfer players that get knocked out the competition.   

4/ Be assertive and single minded: Don’t listen to pundits on the tv, they talk shite for a living. Pick the players that YOU think will score highest points. Research all the players and work out who takes the corners, free kicks and penalty kicks as these are the players most likely to score the big points.

5/ Read the rules three times: Read and re-read the competition rules because you will pick up something new everytime you read it through. The best managers will know the rules off by heart.

Thats how i do it. Thanks for reading and good luck in the competition. Its not to late to join, you can play in the final four rounds by registering here http://en.mcdonalds.fantasy.fifa.com/  and you can follow the fortunes of my brilliant team The Happy Rollers. Scotlands number 1 !

I fucking hate it.

I only made a profile to keep in touch with pals in other countries that i met travelling. I added two or three of my local pals and that has snowballed into half of the town being in my friends list.

I hate the fucking status updates: “such and such is bored” or ”so and so is getting drunk tonight” followed by a string of cheesey non sweary comments and thumb ups.

I hate the censorship. Not being able to say fuck is a violation of a persons rights. I cant even say shit or shite.

I hate the photo’s most of all. Everyone has cameras these days and any number of day to day events could have an embarrassing outcome. A pish in a public toilet could result in your willy getting snapped, in mid stream! and it ends up on someone’s profile for everyone to look at.

Facebook and the Internet have ruined modern living!

Tae fuck with modern living! I think the Amish have got it spot on! Living at a 19th century pace makes them healthier and happier!

My question to everyone is: If like the Amish, you could live at any time in history which period would you choose? And Why?

Im a big fan of bad language. I think it adds authority and/or comedy to just about any statement. Sinister characters can come off quite funny and ridiculous characters can sound like they know what theyre talking about, when they add the right amount of well spoken bad language.  Here are five of my favourites feel free to add a video in the comments. If your not sure how, then just ask

5/ Samuel L Jackson – Snakes on a Plane (2006)  Samuel has a great swearing voice. I first became aware of his swearing potential in Pulp Fiction in 1995, however this line more than a decade later is his masterpiece..

4/ Dennis Hopper – Blue Velvet (1986) The late great Dennis Hopper in one of his finest performances as pyschotic Frank Booth. There is some classic swearing all through the clip but my favourite is during the toast..

3/ Lenny Mclean – Lock, Stock and two smoking Barrells (1998)  This film is full of brilliant swearing and one liners. For me Lenny Mclean steals the show as Barry the Baptist. He died shortly after the film was released otherwise im sure we would have seen him in many more movies.

2/Kevin Kline – A fish Called Wanda (1988) Great movie full of lighter swearing so that all the family can enjoy it.

1/ Robert Carlisle/Ewan McGregor/Johnny Lee Miller/ Ewen Bremner - Trainspotting (1995) No one swears better than the Scots and the top spot goes to the stars of Trainspotting.

Feel free to add your own favourites