If your not playing the world cup dreamteam then your not getting the most out of this world cup. Its a fucking brilliant game that makes you feel involved in the tournament even if your country has been knocked out.

Im doing quite well at it, im in the top 15% out of 866,000 players! Here are my tips to make a world class manager out of you!

1/ Pick cheap players: You have a budget of 145 million dollars and to get the players you would like you have to buy a few cheap unknowns, only 11 of your 23 man squad can score points each round so buying a cheap nobody like R. Chol Myong enabled me to buy Lionel Messi.

2/ Rotate the squad: Gamble like fuck! If a player scores less than five points drop him for one of your subs, you can do this DURING THE ROUND! Alot of people didn’t know this and have lost big points by failing to rotate.

3/ Dont pay for transfers: Your allowed 1 free transfer per round, any more than that will cost you 3 points which is a waste of points. Pick a squad that you think will go the distance and only transfer players that get knocked out the competition.   

4/ Be assertive and single minded: Don’t listen to pundits on the tv, they talk shite for a living. Pick the players that YOU think will score highest points. Research all the players and work out who takes the corners, free kicks and penalty kicks as these are the players most likely to score the big points.

5/ Read the rules three times: Read and re-read the competition rules because you will pick up something new everytime you read it through. The best managers will know the rules off by heart.

Thats how i do it. Thanks for reading and good luck in the competition. Its not to late to join, you can play in the final four rounds by registering here http://en.mcdonalds.fantasy.fifa.com/  and you can follow the fortunes of my brilliant team The Happy Rollers. Scotlands number 1 !

I fucking hate it.

I only made a profile to keep in touch with pals in other countries that i met travelling. I added two or three of my local pals and that has snowballed into half of the town being in my friends list.

I hate the fucking status updates: “such and such is bored” or ”so and so is getting drunk tonight” followed by a string of cheesey non sweary comments and thumb ups.

I hate the censorship. Not being able to say fuck is a violation of a persons rights. I cant even say shit or shite.

I hate the photo’s most of all. Everyone has cameras these days and any number of day to day events could have an embarrassing outcome. A pish in a public toilet could result in your willy getting snapped, in mid stream! and it ends up on someone’s profile for everyone to look at.

Facebook and the Internet have ruined modern living!

Tae fuck with modern living! I think the Amish have got it spot on! Living at a 19th century pace makes them healthier and happier!

My question to everyone is: If like the Amish, you could live at any time in history which period would you choose? And Why?

Im a big fan of bad language. I think it adds authority and/or comedy to just about any statement. Sinister characters can come off quite funny and ridiculous characters can sound like they know what theyre talking about, when they add the right amount of well spoken bad language.  Here are five of my favourites feel free to add a video in the comments. If your not sure how, then just ask

5/ Samuel L Jackson – Snakes on a Plane (2006)  Samuel has a great swearing voice. I first became aware of his swearing potential in Pulp Fiction in 1995, however this line more than a decade later is his masterpiece..

4/ Dennis Hopper – Blue Velvet (1986) The late great Dennis Hopper in one of his finest performances as pyschotic Frank Booth. There is some classic swearing all through the clip but my favourite is during the toast..

3/ Lenny Mclean – Lock, Stock and two smoking Barrells (1998)  This film is full of brilliant swearing and one liners. For me Lenny Mclean steals the show as Barry the Baptist. He died shortly after the film was released otherwise im sure we would have seen him in many more movies.

2/Kevin Kline – A fish Called Wanda (1988) Great movie full of lighter swearing so that all the family can enjoy it.

1/ Robert Carlisle/Ewan McGregor/Johnny Lee Miller/ Ewen Bremner - Trainspotting (1995) No one swears better than the Scots and the top spot goes to the stars of Trainspotting.

Feel free to add your own favourites

Dedicated to all the lightly dressed ladies i saw around town today. Undressing me with their eyes everyone of them!  

England are terrible because all the players are GANTING for a pint!  Fabio Cappello has banned booze while all the players are in South Africa. Now they want to go home.

I know dozens of Scottish junior footballers and a few professionals. There is a massive boozing culture in our game, and i believe it is exactly the same in the English game.

The England national squad are not used to long periods without alcohol, and no matter what any pundit on the telly says, i GUARENTEE that Englands folly is simply a case of misprescription.

Give them a night out Fabio and they will run amok!

This was my favourite show when i was wee. It was the only show that the whole family would sit down and watch together, my folks never watched the telly but they loved this show. Feel free to tell us your favourite five shows.

5/ Healthy Competition: Series 3.

Rodney is taking stock of his life, and at the age of 24 he is disappointed to find he has only risen to become Dels look-out while they’re on the make with dodgy goods. After a bit of soul-searching – during which Del narrowly escapes the Old Bill while Rodders was lost in thought – Rodney breaks some big news to Del that he’s set up a rival business with Mickey Pierce. 

Shocked and hurt by this, Del warns him that if he wants to stand on his own two feet, then the price is total independence from the TITCO cash flow; including beer money. Later at an auction, Del warns his Little Bruv not to buy Lot 37, but Rodney doubts his brother’s generosity – thinking that he wants the lot for himself – and he buys Lot 37 unseen. It turns out that Lot 37 is a bunch of broken lawnmower engines that Del had sold in the first place, and after Mickey Pearce uses their meagre profits for a trip to Benidorm, Rodders is soon back as a partner in Trotters Independent Traders.

4/ Tea for three: Series 5

Trigger’s young niece, Lisa, is staying with him for a while, and the scruffy young girl that Del and Rodney remember has now become a stunning 25 year-old woman.

Both Trotter brothers think they are in with a chance, and immediately begin competing for Lisa’s affections. Despite almost coming to blows, Del and Rodney manage to invite Lisa round to the flat for tea, and she seems more than happy to accept.

In preparation for their date with Lisa, Del goes out to get some more ‘Smash’ and Rodney spends half-an-hour on the sunbed. Just before Del leaves for the shops, he notices Rodney has dozed off and whacks up the heat on the bed.

Much to Rodney’s annoyance, he spends most of the evening nursing his bright red face, which has burnt under the ultra-violet rays, whilst Del and Lisa seem to be getting on really well. To get his revenge, Rodders picks up on the fact that Lisa mentions she was going hang-gliding, and as a surprise for his 46th birthday, he arranges for Del to have a go.

After offering to give her a left back home to Winchester, Del and Rodney head off to meet Lisa’s friends for a spot of hang-gliding. Not wanting to loose face, Del reluctantly agrees to try it out, and after launching himself into the air, he disappears for over 12 hours.

It’s only later, after finding out Lisa is engaged to be married, that Del Boy is brought back from hospital after crashing into a television transmitter in Redhill.

3/ Danger UXD Series 6.

Del continues to pursue the Yuppy lifestyle, and insists that Rodney follows suit by wearing… a suit. He convinces his young bruv that it will help him shift 50 video recorders he got off of Ronnie Nelson at the Advanced Electronics Research and Development Centre.

Ever the opportunist, Del helps Denzil out by taking 50 dolls off his hands. Unfortunately the Trotters discover too late that they are inflatable sex dolls, filled with explosive propane gas

2/ Yuppy Love: Series 6

Del has just seen the film Wall Street and decided the upwardly-mobile lifestyle is for him. The camel-hair coat is out, and in comes a smart new image. Green mackintosh, mobile phone, aluminium briefcase, but the yellow van remains.

Del even wants to buy the flat off the council and sell it for a fast buck.

Rodney, meanwhile, has decided to complete a computing diploma course at the Adult Education Centre. It’s there that he meets a beautiful posh sort called Cassandra, who learns his name from the tag Del stitched into his raincoat (for a giggle).

Del and Trig ditch The Nags Head in favour of propping up a wine bar. Rodney and the boys head to a club, where Rodders amazes the others by dancing with Cassandra.

1/ The Jolly Boys Outing: Christmas Special

Cassandra organises a dinner party, inviting her ‘yuppie’ boss and his wife in the hope of getting a promotion. Del and Uncle Albert soon arrive to put their feet firmly in their mouths and ruin the chances of that.

Despite it being Rodney and Cassandra’s first wedding anniversary, Rodders agrees to go on the annual Jolly Boys Outing to Margate.

The outing goes as well as can be expected considering the driver gets drunk, Rodney gets arrested, and the radio bought from Trotters Independent Traders blows up the coach.

Forced to stay the night by this twist of fate, Del encounters his lost love Raquel, who is now working as magician’s assistant.

As one Trotter rekindles his love life, the other returns to find Cassandra entertaining her boss at home. Punching first, and asking questions letter, Rodney blows it. Again.

I’d like to introduce you to Kenny from Scotstoun. Quite possibly boldest glesga boy of them all!

EXPLICIT CONTENT WARNING (in bold)

http://www.adultwork.com/ViewProfile.asp?UserID=954585&Keywords=&KeySearch=1&TargetURL=http%3A%2F%2Fwww%2Eadultwork%2Ecom%2FSearch%2Easp%3FRefreshVar%3D16%252F06%252F2010%2B09%253A19%253A36&NavUserIDs=647365x584232x611388x620915x27334x128137x238436x268055x402441x490433x549898x659535x703687x815856x884417x889446x902934x944296x945531x946452x965843x32956x519319x954585

Not much happening lately. The world cup has soaked up all my spare time.

The idea to wind up england fans and americans was an epic failure, however it produced one surprising outcome. I got asked to write a Scottish perspective on Englands world cup campaign on one of the England fan sites that i tried to wind up!

I gave them an honest and non provocative report, you can read it and comment if you like, maybe you will have better luck winding them up.  http://www.a2bworldcup.com/20100613337/England-World-Cup-Blog/england-v-usa-the-scottish-perspective.html

Also one of my youtube videos got a feature. Im not sure what that means exactly, it is now the very first search option when you type in ‘T in the Park Campsite’ and it is highlighted in a beige border to make it stand out. Someone at Youtube must have spotted it and liked it. Here it is

Lastly ive booked motorbike lessons and will be sitting the first part of the test within two weeks. Hopefully il have the second part passed within a month and get a trip to Europe organised before the end of the summer. 

Whats everyone else been upto recently?

Apart from his blunder, did anyone notice his boozer’s nose?